Confession

So... I didn't go to FHE tonight, but that was because I had FHE at home, with my real family.  It turned out to be exactly what I needed at the end of the day.  Some crappy movies and good laughs with my favorite people in the world.  It made me happy.  Go goals #3, #4, and #7!  I'm getting pretty good at this.

So this whole... being candid thing is turning out to be a lot more difficult than I thought.  It's hard to be honest with yourself.  It's really hard.  I really hate the fact that it is going to take months and years to become who I want to be.  I wish it could happen overnight.  I wish I contracted some fatal disease, or got hooked on drugs, or became anorexic.  I know, I know... these are terrible thoughts!  Trust me, my stomach turns in guilt when I think them, but the fact remains I'd like it to happen.

I know it's terrible to wish for those things, but oddly enough those thoughts helped me rationalize that:
1.  They will never happen
and
2. When I finally meet my goals in a natural and healthy way... I'll feel a sense of accomplishment and pride that makes all the effort worth it.  (That's what I'm trying to convince myself of anyway.)

A few people commented on my first blog post for "Changing My Life Today" with encouraging words for me.  Thanks!  It's nice to have people who are willing to support me in my efforts.  Having people know what I want, and making my goals known to a public audience creates a feeling of accountability. Even if it is only my best friend and my mom...

As a token of appreciation I will include a Pounds Lost gadget on "Changing My Life Today"(and in the future... perhaps photos?).  The thought makes me ill... but it will give me encouragement and satisfaction in the long run.

So I'll end today on this note:
Keep encouraging me, because although I may not need it today... I will need it eventually.