Confession

So... I didn't go to FHE tonight, but that was because I had FHE at home, with my real family.  It turned out to be exactly what I needed at the end of the day.  Some crappy movies and good laughs with my favorite people in the world.  It made me happy.  Go goals #3, #4, and #7!  I'm getting pretty good at this.

So this whole... being candid thing is turning out to be a lot more difficult than I thought.  It's hard to be honest with yourself.  It's really hard.  I really hate the fact that it is going to take months and years to become who I want to be.  I wish it could happen overnight.  I wish I contracted some fatal disease, or got hooked on drugs, or became anorexic.  I know, I know... these are terrible thoughts!  Trust me, my stomach turns in guilt when I think them, but the fact remains I'd like it to happen.

I know it's terrible to wish for those things, but oddly enough those thoughts helped me rationalize that:
1.  They will never happen
and
2. When I finally meet my goals in a natural and healthy way... I'll feel a sense of accomplishment and pride that makes all the effort worth it.  (That's what I'm trying to convince myself of anyway.)

A few people commented on my first blog post for "Changing My Life Today" with encouraging words for me.  Thanks!  It's nice to have people who are willing to support me in my efforts.  Having people know what I want, and making my goals known to a public audience creates a feeling of accountability. Even if it is only my best friend and my mom...

As a token of appreciation I will include a Pounds Lost gadget on "Changing My Life Today"(and in the future... perhaps photos?).  The thought makes me ill... but it will give me encouragement and satisfaction in the long run.

So I'll end today on this note:
Keep encouraging me, because although I may not need it today... I will need it eventually.

Fresh Start

I know people don't really read what I write (since I don't have much to say), but that doesn't really matter to me anymore.  I'm writing this new blog because something has changed.  I'm starting over.  I'm starting fresh.  This blog has a purpose.  This blog is written by me -to me- (if you want to read my inner conversations you're more than welcome to).  "Changing My Life Today" is a self-help journal that is meant to encourage me in staying on my path towards change.

Hey Mychal, you need a complete makeover.

This isn't meant to be some type of pity-party, woe is me, I hate my life blog.  That was Cake or Death, I've lived and written that crap before and I did it for far too long.  This blog is a candid way for me to help myself document the changes I'm going to be making for the rest of my life.  There will be triumph, there will be failure, there will be struggle, and there will be success.  It's all going to be documented, it's all going to be caught in words, or video.

Hey Mychal, you're going to change your personality, your attitude, your body, your appearance, your perspective, and your perceptions.  Yeah, you're going to change EVERYTHING.

So, to document and track change I'm making goals about the things I want to change.

1. Be outgoing.
2. Exercise & Lose weight.  LOTS of it.
3. Laugh more.
4. Make others laugh more.
5. Serve others.
6. Get to know God again.
7. Be happy.

Now, in order to help myself actually fulfill and live these goals I need to write about how I have worked on them at least twice a week.

So, I might as well start today.

Mychal, what did you do/will you do today?

Well, I worked out today.  I'm so tired of being a cow.  I've worked on it and worked on it... but nothing seems to ever really work.  So I'm going to be a little more drastic in my attempts.  I've started taking African Mango, along with other vitamins and supplements to aid in increasing my metabolism.  We'll see if it helps.  Daily workouts help me have more confidence but I'd still like to lose 40 lbs by the end of the summer.  My goal is to lose 90 - 100 lbs total.  *But you'll be a toothpick!*  Yeah...  that's the idea.  So from now on, I'm getting up every morning at 6:00 a.m. to work out.  45 minutes to an hour a day should be suitable I think.  I did 45 minutes today.  I'm also on the 17 day diet, I miss carbs and sugar.  I was naughty on the weekend and had carbs and sugar so I have to start over, but I'm more than happy to now because all that stuff I had't eaten for 2 weeks made me sicker than a dog, and also helped me feel like a cow again.  So today we start the first 17 days all over.  Yippee.

I'm going to try to be more outgoing today by attending the Family Home Evening (FHE) for my Singles Ward.  Could be more traumatizing than enlightening, but I've got to start somewhere.  FHE will also serve the perfect venue for me to make other people laugh.

As far as God goes... I think He and I will have a conversation tonight about a few things.  I haven't talked to Him for awhile.

And as far as just being happy goes... Tomorrow I'm getting my Yorkie Puppy, Effy.  How can I not be happy when I think about that?

By no means is this going to be easy.  When is change ever easy?  But the hardest part is admitting that I need to change.

Yeah... Mychal you need to change a lot.

I spent so much time as a teen and while I was in college convincing myself that I was "happy" with who I was and where I was going, that I learned how to hide how miserable I was from myself.

So, I'm going to be honest with myself, brutally honest.

Mychal, I don't like you.  You're selfish, moody, fat, frumpy, ugly, boring, lazy, and lame.

Ouch.  That hurt.

I want to be fun, outgoing, skinny, attractive, exciting, energetic, active, kind, and giving.

Dad always says, Know, Do, Be.

I know what I am (what I don't want to be) and I know who I want to be... so let's DO this.  Hopefully over the next few months and progressively over the next couple of years... I will BE who I want to be.