And I'm really ashamed of myself.
I've developed an unhealthy obsession. Let me explain...
One element of my goals for the year was to have a "weekly weigh-in" in order to track what I thought was evidence of success with my new lifestyle.
In theory it was an amazing idea! I thought it would motivate and push me in my health and fitness goals.
Unfortunately, it had very adverse effect on my journey.
I've become obsessed with weighing myself.
Yesterday my husband had to take the scale and hide it from me.
I've been weighing myself 3+ times a day. I had to sneak around the house or lock the bathroom door and fake being sick when my husband was home to peel my clothes off and hop on the scale without being caught.
You guys... I was waking up and sneaking into the bathroom into the middle of the night to weigh myself.
The numbers on the scale were impacting my mood and my life more than I thought they ever could.
My weight was making me afraid to eat; it made me depressed when I saw them fluctuate up and down. I was consumed by it.
I started looking for quick ways to lose weight fast. Super foods, diet plans, supplements, programs... you name it I started researching it.
It was BAD.
I don't know why I finally told my husband what was going on... but I just told him what I'd been doing.
He was shocked, to say the least, and he was worried. He immediately took the batteries and the scale and hid them in separate locations which he won't divulge to me.
We had a long talk about it, what our family goal was, and how far I've come so far.
Zach told me that he loved me, that he was proud of me, that I'm beautiful.
I've grown to understand, and I'm still learning to accept and understand, that the number on the scale doesn't fully represent my health status. It certainly doesn't reflect my value and worth.
I'm learning to love my body, regardless of it's weight or appearance. I'm honestly trying to focus more on my health and wellness now, not on my weight or desired weight loss. It's time to stop hating on and being afraid of my body. It is the most precious thing I will ever own. It doesn't matter what other people think of it. It matters what I think of it, how I use it, and how I care for it.
I need to be better. I deserve to treat myself better.
So, take it easy on yourself guys. It's true when they saw we are our own worst critic. I don't think we really understand how much value we put on things that we are told are important. We hold ourselves to societal standards more often than we realize. Instead of focusing on getting to a place where we are our healthiest and happiest... we focus in on that place where we think we "should" be.
I think we should be exactly where we are at this moment. There is a purpose to everything. The entire journey is important. There is never and end, not even when we reach the destination.
All we can do is keep moving forward.
Never give up. Ever.
