Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Pick Me Up
Every once and a while we all need a 'pick me up', yeah? Yeah.
I've needed one for a few days. It would appear that no matter how hard I prayed, how many things I cleaned, how much music I listened to, how many tears I shed while watching the movie 'UP', or how many random hugs I received... nothing was fulfilling my need for a 'pick me up".
I hate going to that place where I'm the typical female who needs men to validate my existence by objectifying me... but unfortunately that's where I was for the past week or so.
LAME SAUCE.
And then, through the medium of literary and imaginary magnificence... I got slapped in the face. Or perhaps, I got knocked back onto my ass. I think my tailbone is bruised, as is my ego.
This lovely little passage was in a book I'm reading...
"Do not be defined by the man you love; do not lose who you are in the love of another. We can only love the way we were created to if we are first whole in ourselves. If you drown in your feelings for someone, it will turn to obsession and it will cloud your mind to reality. What you're feeling is part of who you are. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, loving woman. In you, there is more than you can imagine. You don't need a man to love you to make you special. You are special because you are you. Don't you see? See and believe you are one of God's children; that is what makes you special."
Bam. Clear as day. My 'pick me up, smack me in the face, get your sh*t together, pick me up'.
It's like that passage of the book, that lesson, was written for me - to me.
We are not quantified, defined, or our value measured by our physical appearance.
Being happy and healthy is more important than being skinny and sexy.
Being healthy and happy is a life style. I may not have the physique a model and I may not be gorgeous, but I am vibrant, fun, alive, real, intelligent and funny. Those things make me beautiful, and that beauty cannot fade over time.
When we as women see the beauty in those around us, and more importantly, see our own innate beauty that is when we are empowered and do not need to rely on the objectification of men to establish our worth.
Men worth loving, men worth giving our hearts too... won't be the chauvinist, shallow, and immature men that we think we want to notice us, to value us, to be attracted to us. Men worth loving won't view us as trophies or objects, rather as companions, counterparts, friends, and lovers.
As much as men need to mature and alter their perceptions of women, so do women need to reevaluate and believe that we are more than objects and we deserve to be treated as more.
Being a woman is a delicate balance between independence and dependence, strength and softness, outspokenness and meekness, firmness and compassion...
When we focus on ourselves, when we learn to see our own value, when we love who we are - then others can truly love us in return.
Awesome.
Feminist rant now over.
Thanks mah'loves.
~Mychal
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
"Fitspiration"
Hello My Lovelies!
As many of you know, I'm an advocate of the "Beauty Redefined" movement.
A brief synopsis, Beauty Redefined was founded by Lexi and Lindsay Kite, PhD Communication students at the University of Utah. Beauty Redefined's purpose is simple, poignant, and IMPORTANT; "Beauty Redefined is dedicated to counteracting harmful media messages about women's bodies and worth. Through our website, http://www.beautyredefined.net, ... we work to help all people recognize and reject distorted ideas about beauty, health and happiness. Join us in the fight to take back beauty for girls and women everywhere!"
Their message has profoundly impacted Changing My Life Today. More aptly, it has profoundly impacted me. Their message reached me at a critical moment in my physical, emotional, and mental transformation. Their message aided me in changing my personal perception of myself. Their work, their research, their openness, honesty, and dedication to exposing the harmful messages in the media solidified my change from the need to be "skinny" and "hot" to being "healthy" and "happy."
A recent trend, labeled "fitspiration", has become an obsession of mine. It has also come under close scrutiny by women and men participating in the social movement that encourages healthy living as opposed to fat-shaming or skinny-shaming. Often, images of incredibly toned, sweaty, and scantily clad women in athletic apparel are the background for a motivational and inspirational saying.
Let me insert a few excerpts here, passages that hit especially close to home.
"Ever heard of a thing called “thinspo” or “thinspiration?” It’s an online world of thousands – even millions – of females who share and collect pictures of very thin women as inspiration to keep up their eating disorders... Beauty Redefined is here to reveal truth – to speak about things as they really are – and we echo Charlotte over on The Great Fitness Experiment: “Fitspo may be thinspo in a sports bra.”
Be very aware of any “fitspiration” that is advertising something... Pay attention to the advertising so often being done in these “fitness inspiration” messages and you will see what is really being sold here. Is it a message of real health and fitness or a message asking you to commodify yourself by buying sports bras, yoga pants, the latest fitness DVD, etc. to appear a certain way.
Next time you see one of these “fitspiration” messages, please ask yourself how it makes you feel. If these images and texts motivate you to respect your body as something that can do so much good, make and reach fitness goals, and maintain health that will keep you happy and able, then they are appropriate for you. If they motivate you to worry about being looked at or to improve parts of your body to meet a beauty ideal you see in media, you must be aware of this.
[A fitspiration photo] It has effectively chopped a woman into just a part of her – without a head as is so often done in objectifying but totally normal and harmless-looking media. This part of her also happens to be sexually alluring to men, which is so often the case in this same objectifying but totally normal and harmless-looking media. Her hand is placed in her pants in a way that looks very reminiscent of a woman about to pull down her pants in a sexually alluring way. Her hip bones, navel, and cleavage are highlighted by the lighting of the shot, which say nothing of fitness or whatever the “it” is spoken of in the text. Nike leaves this ad open for interpretation so the “it” can be a well-meaning physical fitness goal, but the image would lead one to assume it is a look – a vision of oneself – that is the goal. A sexually appealing, “to be looked at” goal that leaves little room for worrying about internal indicators of health or meeting a fitness goal like hiking to the top of that peak or finishing that race or getting your heart rate up every day.
If these images and messages categorized as “fitness inspiration” actually inspire body shame – you feel ashamed of the beauty ideals you cannot reach and want to hide or judge your body or covet other women’s bodies – then these messages are not inspirational at all. They trigger you to feel anxiety, hopelessness, and ask you to resort to extremes to get somewhere largely unattainable for healthy people.
We borrow from the fantastic Virginia Sole-Smith again for our last very important point: “Any motivational statement that has to diss another type of body in order to make you feel good about your body? Not. Helping. Anyone.” You’ve seen those photos of Marilyn Monroe vs. Nicole Richie with the words: “When did this become hotter than this?” or some variation. Ugh. When we pit female against female, we get nowhere fast. We continue minimizing each other to our bodies EVERY TIME we judge each others’ bodies, comment on them, even compliment each other.
You are capable of much more than being looked at. When you believe that, you break free from the prison walls that keep you confined to your body, pitted against every other woman/prisoner in her own individual cell, always monitored by a gaze that controls your beliefs about yourself and your actions. Beauty Redefined is here to shine a light in on that lonely prison cell and remind you what you are capable of in a world so badly in need of you – not a vision of you – but all of you. Thank you for joining the fight!"
I'm guilty of more than I'd like to be after reading that article. But, as they always do, the delightful Beauty Redefined Duo has me thinking, changing, evolving, growing, and understanding the various problems with my infatuation with "fitspiration".
I expressed my opinion earlier on Facebook openly as this:
I've realized that I'm perpetuating an ideal I do not endorse. So I make an apology and a promise to myself, to my Twitter followers, to my Pinterest followers, to my blog followers, to my Facebook followers, to my fellow women, to the young family members who are my friends on Facebook, to any person striving to live a healthy and happy lifestyle...
As human beings, we are more than our weight, our clothes, or any other variable of our physical appearance. We are a unique combination of brains, beauty, and brawn and all of these most elemental aspects of ourselves should be revered and appreciated. We are also responsible to continue to develop those human attributes. We do this by living a lifestyle where in we care for our bodies in every facet imaginable. We utilize and strengthen it physically, nutritionally, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. That is one of the many keys to a happy life. A healthy lifestyle promotes unity, understanding, charity, love, compassion, support in our families, friendships, relationships, social circles, and communities. Healthy lifestyles foster positivity, optimism and happiness and thusly aids in negating and dissuading the harmful messages of the media and the critical and hurtful social standards of judgement.
So thank you Lexi & Lindsay Kite. Thank you for Beauty Redefined. Thank you for again helping me further understand, solidify, and verbalize my opinion on myself, my lifestyle, and how I want to help others understand themselves.
Love it.
Love them.
Love YOU my dah'ling network of support.
You're wonderful.
~ Mychal
As many of you know, I'm an advocate of the "Beauty Redefined" movement.
A brief synopsis, Beauty Redefined was founded by Lexi and Lindsay Kite, PhD Communication students at the University of Utah. Beauty Redefined's purpose is simple, poignant, and IMPORTANT; "Beauty Redefined is dedicated to counteracting harmful media messages about women's bodies and worth. Through our website, http://www.beautyredefined.net, ... we work to help all people recognize and reject distorted ideas about beauty, health and happiness. Join us in the fight to take back beauty for girls and women everywhere!"
Their message has profoundly impacted Changing My Life Today. More aptly, it has profoundly impacted me. Their message reached me at a critical moment in my physical, emotional, and mental transformation. Their message aided me in changing my personal perception of myself. Their work, their research, their openness, honesty, and dedication to exposing the harmful messages in the media solidified my change from the need to be "skinny" and "hot" to being "healthy" and "happy."
A recent trend, labeled "fitspiration", has become an obsession of mine. It has also come under close scrutiny by women and men participating in the social movement that encourages healthy living as opposed to fat-shaming or skinny-shaming. Often, images of incredibly toned, sweaty, and scantily clad women in athletic apparel are the background for a motivational and inspirational saying.
Beauty Redefined recently posted a wonderful post in regards to this topic. You can read it here: http://www.beautyredefined.net/why-fitspiration-isnt-so-inspirational/
Let me insert a few excerpts here, passages that hit especially close to home.
"Ever heard of a thing called “thinspo” or “thinspiration?” It’s an online world of thousands – even millions – of females who share and collect pictures of very thin women as inspiration to keep up their eating disorders... Beauty Redefined is here to reveal truth – to speak about things as they really are – and we echo Charlotte over on The Great Fitness Experiment: “Fitspo may be thinspo in a sports bra.”
Be very aware of any “fitspiration” that is advertising something... Pay attention to the advertising so often being done in these “fitness inspiration” messages and you will see what is really being sold here. Is it a message of real health and fitness or a message asking you to commodify yourself by buying sports bras, yoga pants, the latest fitness DVD, etc. to appear a certain way.
Next time you see one of these “fitspiration” messages, please ask yourself how it makes you feel. If these images and texts motivate you to respect your body as something that can do so much good, make and reach fitness goals, and maintain health that will keep you happy and able, then they are appropriate for you. If they motivate you to worry about being looked at or to improve parts of your body to meet a beauty ideal you see in media, you must be aware of this.
[A fitspiration photo] It has effectively chopped a woman into just a part of her – without a head as is so often done in objectifying but totally normal and harmless-looking media. This part of her also happens to be sexually alluring to men, which is so often the case in this same objectifying but totally normal and harmless-looking media. Her hand is placed in her pants in a way that looks very reminiscent of a woman about to pull down her pants in a sexually alluring way. Her hip bones, navel, and cleavage are highlighted by the lighting of the shot, which say nothing of fitness or whatever the “it” is spoken of in the text. Nike leaves this ad open for interpretation so the “it” can be a well-meaning physical fitness goal, but the image would lead one to assume it is a look – a vision of oneself – that is the goal. A sexually appealing, “to be looked at” goal that leaves little room for worrying about internal indicators of health or meeting a fitness goal like hiking to the top of that peak or finishing that race or getting your heart rate up every day.
If these images and messages categorized as “fitness inspiration” actually inspire body shame – you feel ashamed of the beauty ideals you cannot reach and want to hide or judge your body or covet other women’s bodies – then these messages are not inspirational at all. They trigger you to feel anxiety, hopelessness, and ask you to resort to extremes to get somewhere largely unattainable for healthy people.
We borrow from the fantastic Virginia Sole-Smith again for our last very important point: “Any motivational statement that has to diss another type of body in order to make you feel good about your body? Not. Helping. Anyone.” You’ve seen those photos of Marilyn Monroe vs. Nicole Richie with the words: “When did this become hotter than this?” or some variation. Ugh. When we pit female against female, we get nowhere fast. We continue minimizing each other to our bodies EVERY TIME we judge each others’ bodies, comment on them, even compliment each other.
You are capable of much more than being looked at. When you believe that, you break free from the prison walls that keep you confined to your body, pitted against every other woman/prisoner in her own individual cell, always monitored by a gaze that controls your beliefs about yourself and your actions. Beauty Redefined is here to shine a light in on that lonely prison cell and remind you what you are capable of in a world so badly in need of you – not a vision of you – but all of you. Thank you for joining the fight!"
I'm guilty of more than I'd like to be after reading that article. But, as they always do, the delightful Beauty Redefined Duo has me thinking, changing, evolving, growing, and understanding the various problems with my infatuation with "fitspiration".
I expressed my opinion earlier on Facebook openly as this:
- I find the objectification of the human form repugnant. Being healthy & happy is what is important, not being skinny. If there is one thing I cannot tolerate it is the relentless hounding we receive via media to be a certain size, a specific weight, look a specific way. The judgement of our physical body that so prevalently permeates our society causes irreparable psychological and emotional damage to people. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. Hence the disclaimer on my [fitspiration] album. May I reemphasize the fact that we do NOT have to look like the people in these photos (in all honesty they don't even look like that). Our value and worth is not dependent on our physical aesthetic. We are more than our physical bodies. The culmination of our being is what defines us. Our humor, our intelligence, our passion, our charity, our devotion, our loyalty, our spirituality, and our health identify us, set us apart, and dictate our humanity. We have an obligation to exercise each and every component of our being. This includes the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual entities of our being. We are remarkable creations and as such it is our responsibility to live up to our potential.
- This is NOT an album promoting "thinspiration". These are sayings that I find motivational and encouraging in helping me achieve a healthy lifestyle. I understand that the images have been altered, photoshopped, edited, and manipulated to sell a lifestyle and/or brand. I understand that they are objectifying of the female form. So please, don't think that you, OR I have to look like this. And guys... please don't post comments endorsing the objectification of the women in the pictures... rather the endorse the motivational force in the pursuit of health and happiness.
I've realized that I'm perpetuating an ideal I do not endorse. So I make an apology and a promise to myself, to my Twitter followers, to my Pinterest followers, to my blog followers, to my Facebook followers, to my fellow women, to the young family members who are my friends on Facebook, to any person striving to live a healthy and happy lifestyle...
- I am sorry for spamming your feeds with objectifying, potentially harmful, and counter-productive images under the pretense of "fitspiration".
- I promise to henceforth edit what I put up to encourage and motivate myself and others to live a healthy lifestyle. I do find the messages motivational and inspirational in my continued fitness journey. But I see the harm in utilizing unrealistic physical ideals to promote fitness.
As human beings, we are more than our weight, our clothes, or any other variable of our physical appearance. We are a unique combination of brains, beauty, and brawn and all of these most elemental aspects of ourselves should be revered and appreciated. We are also responsible to continue to develop those human attributes. We do this by living a lifestyle where in we care for our bodies in every facet imaginable. We utilize and strengthen it physically, nutritionally, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. That is one of the many keys to a happy life. A healthy lifestyle promotes unity, understanding, charity, love, compassion, support in our families, friendships, relationships, social circles, and communities. Healthy lifestyles foster positivity, optimism and happiness and thusly aids in negating and dissuading the harmful messages of the media and the critical and hurtful social standards of judgement.
So thank you Lexi & Lindsay Kite. Thank you for Beauty Redefined. Thank you for again helping me further understand, solidify, and verbalize my opinion on myself, my lifestyle, and how I want to help others understand themselves.
Love it.
Love them.
Love YOU my dah'ling network of support.
You're wonderful.
~ Mychal
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Balance
Hello my loves,
It's been a very, very long time since my last post. My life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks. It seems as though every waking moment I have is consumed by something other than catching my breath. I'm at work, with friends, at the gym, family is visiting, or I'm cleaning my apartment. I feel like I'm barely able to tread water enough to keep myself from drowning, but somehow or another I'm managing.
I needed to write something on here. I have neglected you, my loyal and loving supporters, for far too long. Upon request, I'm going to blog about something unrelated to working out or calorie counting. Instead, I've decided to write about one of my many personality flaws. Yes, I have many. The most detrimental (that has been especially pronounced as of late) is the fact that I am too independent. In the past I've allowed people to use and abuse my generous nature. I felt obligated to listen, to assist, console, and uplift others in order to earn, create, and maintain friendships. However, when I reached out, when I needed to be taken care of, when I needed someone to listen to me I was left high and dry; it would seem that the result of these recurring social disappointments are manifested in my strong willed, stubborn, and vehement independence.
I can't, or will not, allow myself to be vulnerable. Forgive me as I'm about to jump atop a soap box and rant for this post... I don't like relying on others. I have a deeply ingrained sense of mistrust for all people. Everyone I have ever opened up to, anyone I've ever trusted, and anyone I've ever reached out to, has let me down in some respect. I recognize that it's not a healthy perspective, but after being burned by nearly every person I've been close to, it's increasingly difficult to open up.
I like to portray myself as a tough chick. I like to think I can do everything on my own; I'm a strong, competent, confident, healthy, and intelligent woman. News flash. I'm not tough at all. Fail. Of the most epic kind. I've been mulling over a few recent social situations in my life, a few personal opinions, some personal perceptions, some social ideologies, and some religious expectations, and I've had a few conversations with people regarding several of these topics. As such, I've come to a few conclusions about myself, about others, and about life.
1. Being a woman is a delicate and precarious balancing act. Men expect a lot from us. We're expected to be independent, but dependent enough that the man can offer or contribute something to the partnership. We need to be dependable and nurturing, but still give them space and not smother them. We need to be attractive and intelligent, but don't attract other guys attention and don't make them feel stupid. If I may say so... man the f*ck up gentlemen. You don't get to be a dead beat, gaming, unemployed, lackadaisical, unmotivated prick and expect the ideally beautiful, toned, smart, funny and all around perfect woman to fall in your lap. You get what you deserve. And you deserve what you earn. If you want a woman like that, get off your ass, get educated, get successful, and earn the right to pursue a woman like that.
2. Fulfilling the requisites above will result, more often than not, in being friend zoned. I apologize, but I find this socially fabricated arena to be completely absurd. It is merely a ploy for men to: not have to grow the balls to tell your they're not interested and risk losing their best girlfriend OR its a way for them to keep an emotionally vulnerable woman at arms length and perpetually use them to inflate their pathetic ego. I refuse to be friend zoned anymore. As women, or as men, we don't have to be ok with it. We don't have to accept it. We no longer have to allow or enable others to use us as their "just a friend" security blanket. We don't need to be there to buffer a bad break up, to help them win over another guy/girl, or to tell them that they are wonderful, handsome/beautiful, and a great catch. DO NOT mother them, feed them, clean up after them, console them. If they aren't attracted, if they can't see what you have to offer, MOVE ON. Why do we waste time and energy one individuals who doesn't appreciate all we have to offer? You can be a friend, but serious boundaries need to be established when there are no romantic feelings in a mixed sex friendship. You only hurt yourself and deny yourself other wonderful intimate relationships when you willingly remain in the friend zone.
3. I'm a catch. I am a 23 year old BYU graduate with a full time job who is financially independent. I workout; I wear makeup; I'm stylish; I take care of my physical body. By no means am I a model, nor am I beautiful, but I am cute and what I lack physically I make up for with my intellect, my humor, and my variety of mediocre talents. Believe it or not, I'm a catch. And a damn fine one. I deserve a man who wants me for everything I am. I deserve a man with ambition, maturity, intelligence, and fortitude. Someone who is successful. Someone I can be proud of and happy to support. Someone I don't have to convince to want me. Someone who is my best friend. I deserve to be wooed. And the dipshit men who knowingly, or unknowingly pass me up I feel sorry for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry your an immature, shallow, pathetic, stupid son of a b*tch. Any guy who passes up, or is unwilling to work for any remarkable woman that fill this wonderful world... I feel sorry for.
I was recently told I needed to tone down my independence. If I wanted a guy I needed to show some vulnerability, I needed to not showcase my independence as much. I need to be meek to win a man? Hell no.
Let me make something perfectly clear, I will not change who I am for a man. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing undesirable about me. If anything, my independence should be attractive. I do not deny that I need to be more open. I need to be willing to rely on others, to talk to others, and to depend on others.
The balancing act of femininity is something I'm struggling to find equilibrium with. But it is necessary and I'm happy to do it and to progress as an individual. That's what life is all about... progression. I've been asking God for more opportunities to learn, grow, and progress on an emotional and spiritual level, not just physically anymore... It looks live I've found a few ways.
Any suggestions on how to better open up? On how to be more trusting? On being brave and patient? On maintaining my personal identity while still being open and inviting for a variety of new relationships? Comments, criticism, and conversation welcome.
Love ya dah'lings! ~Mych
It's been a very, very long time since my last post. My life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks. It seems as though every waking moment I have is consumed by something other than catching my breath. I'm at work, with friends, at the gym, family is visiting, or I'm cleaning my apartment. I feel like I'm barely able to tread water enough to keep myself from drowning, but somehow or another I'm managing.
I needed to write something on here. I have neglected you, my loyal and loving supporters, for far too long. Upon request, I'm going to blog about something unrelated to working out or calorie counting. Instead, I've decided to write about one of my many personality flaws. Yes, I have many. The most detrimental (that has been especially pronounced as of late) is the fact that I am too independent. In the past I've allowed people to use and abuse my generous nature. I felt obligated to listen, to assist, console, and uplift others in order to earn, create, and maintain friendships. However, when I reached out, when I needed to be taken care of, when I needed someone to listen to me I was left high and dry; it would seem that the result of these recurring social disappointments are manifested in my strong willed, stubborn, and vehement independence.
I can't, or will not, allow myself to be vulnerable. Forgive me as I'm about to jump atop a soap box and rant for this post... I don't like relying on others. I have a deeply ingrained sense of mistrust for all people. Everyone I have ever opened up to, anyone I've ever trusted, and anyone I've ever reached out to, has let me down in some respect. I recognize that it's not a healthy perspective, but after being burned by nearly every person I've been close to, it's increasingly difficult to open up.
I like to portray myself as a tough chick. I like to think I can do everything on my own; I'm a strong, competent, confident, healthy, and intelligent woman. News flash. I'm not tough at all. Fail. Of the most epic kind. I've been mulling over a few recent social situations in my life, a few personal opinions, some personal perceptions, some social ideologies, and some religious expectations, and I've had a few conversations with people regarding several of these topics. As such, I've come to a few conclusions about myself, about others, and about life.
1. Being a woman is a delicate and precarious balancing act. Men expect a lot from us. We're expected to be independent, but dependent enough that the man can offer or contribute something to the partnership. We need to be dependable and nurturing, but still give them space and not smother them. We need to be attractive and intelligent, but don't attract other guys attention and don't make them feel stupid. If I may say so... man the f*ck up gentlemen. You don't get to be a dead beat, gaming, unemployed, lackadaisical, unmotivated prick and expect the ideally beautiful, toned, smart, funny and all around perfect woman to fall in your lap. You get what you deserve. And you deserve what you earn. If you want a woman like that, get off your ass, get educated, get successful, and earn the right to pursue a woman like that.
2. Fulfilling the requisites above will result, more often than not, in being friend zoned. I apologize, but I find this socially fabricated arena to be completely absurd. It is merely a ploy for men to: not have to grow the balls to tell your they're not interested and risk losing their best girlfriend OR its a way for them to keep an emotionally vulnerable woman at arms length and perpetually use them to inflate their pathetic ego. I refuse to be friend zoned anymore. As women, or as men, we don't have to be ok with it. We don't have to accept it. We no longer have to allow or enable others to use us as their "just a friend" security blanket. We don't need to be there to buffer a bad break up, to help them win over another guy/girl, or to tell them that they are wonderful, handsome/beautiful, and a great catch. DO NOT mother them, feed them, clean up after them, console them. If they aren't attracted, if they can't see what you have to offer, MOVE ON. Why do we waste time and energy one individuals who doesn't appreciate all we have to offer? You can be a friend, but serious boundaries need to be established when there are no romantic feelings in a mixed sex friendship. You only hurt yourself and deny yourself other wonderful intimate relationships when you willingly remain in the friend zone.
3. I'm a catch. I am a 23 year old BYU graduate with a full time job who is financially independent. I workout; I wear makeup; I'm stylish; I take care of my physical body. By no means am I a model, nor am I beautiful, but I am cute and what I lack physically I make up for with my intellect, my humor, and my variety of mediocre talents. Believe it or not, I'm a catch. And a damn fine one. I deserve a man who wants me for everything I am. I deserve a man with ambition, maturity, intelligence, and fortitude. Someone who is successful. Someone I can be proud of and happy to support. Someone I don't have to convince to want me. Someone who is my best friend. I deserve to be wooed. And the dipshit men who knowingly, or unknowingly pass me up I feel sorry for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry your an immature, shallow, pathetic, stupid son of a b*tch. Any guy who passes up, or is unwilling to work for any remarkable woman that fill this wonderful world... I feel sorry for.
I was recently told I needed to tone down my independence. If I wanted a guy I needed to show some vulnerability, I needed to not showcase my independence as much. I need to be meek to win a man? Hell no.
Let me make something perfectly clear, I will not change who I am for a man. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing undesirable about me. If anything, my independence should be attractive. I do not deny that I need to be more open. I need to be willing to rely on others, to talk to others, and to depend on others.
The balancing act of femininity is something I'm struggling to find equilibrium with. But it is necessary and I'm happy to do it and to progress as an individual. That's what life is all about... progression. I've been asking God for more opportunities to learn, grow, and progress on an emotional and spiritual level, not just physically anymore... It looks live I've found a few ways.
Any suggestions on how to better open up? On how to be more trusting? On being brave and patient? On maintaining my personal identity while still being open and inviting for a variety of new relationships? Comments, criticism, and conversation welcome.
Love ya dah'lings! ~Mych
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Overly Ambitious?
My dah'lings!
Long time no chat, I know. I continue to fail you in respects to the blog... However I'm not failing y'all or myself when it comes to working out. I've gotten myself a gym membership and I've been hitting the gym regularly (5 times a week) at 4:30am. It's taken some serious dedication and has put a near end to my social life during the week, but I more than compensate on the weekends. Er... I try to make up for it on the weekends.
Who wants a summary of my weekly schedule? Probably not you, but you're about to get it anyway. Yeah, I'm that thoutful.
Let's start on Mondays. I try to love Monday's. I started inspirational Mondays on the blog (I've missed a few I know) so Mondays weren't such a buzz kill. So on Monday, I wake up at 4:20 and head to the gym. I work out for an hour and a half or so, I go home, I eat breakfast and take my supplements. I get ready for work. I go to work. I go home for lunch and check on Effy. I go back to work. The I go home at 5pm. I make dinner. I clean (if I'm not obscenely exhausted) and then I go to my church's Monday night activity. Wahoo. Then I come home and go to bed.
Tuesday, I'm awake and to the gym again, before the butt crack of dawn. Then I do it all over again. Only Tuesday nights are dedicated to cleaning, maybe dinner with a friend, and then. To bed.
Wednesday's I do the same thing, only the Wednesday night activity is usually a religious class called Institute.
Thursday I start all over, only Thursday nights activity is a game night at my church. Also another night I have dedicated to cleaning. I'm a bit of a clean freak. Ask anyone who knows me.
Friday I start the cruel cycle one more time. Only, Friday nights are dedicated to my virtually nonexistent dating life. So I usually end up eating dinner with a friend and going to a movie.
Saturday I sleep in until about 8am. Then it's clean the apartment, go to the laundromat, and go grocery shopping. Maybe clothes shopping too if I've budgeted carefully. Oh! Saturday's are also balance my budget and pay bills day. In addition to whatever fun activity I've been made aware of through church and social circles.
Sunday I sleep in again, then wake up, take Effy for a brief walk, bake a treat, get ready for church, go to church, come home, eat dinner, go to one more church activity, and then to bed.
And then I start it all over again on Monday.
I think I may be just a tad overly ambitious with my weekly schedule. I've noticed I'm developing constant tension headaches, I'm always exhausted, and I'm oddly... unfulfilled.
I'm not discontent or anything... But I'm not remotely happy either. My brain is in a constant state of panic and worry. It's got to stop.
I recently had dinner with a girlfriend of mine who has helped validate my feelings and perceptions regarding my current situation. So here is what I've decided...
I need to make some changes, establish some boundaries, and chill the eff out.
I'm starting this weekend.
Who would like to hear my master plan? I know, no. But you're going to hear it anyway.
On Friday, I'm going to go buy myself a nice little nightie, some candles, some bath salts, some good ol'
chick flicks, some luxurious chocolate delicacies, and a few other select nickknacks. I'm going to go home, I'm going to clean my apartment, I'm going to lock the door. I'm going to turn off my cell phone. I'm going to put on some relaxing music and take a long, candle lit bubble bath, read a book, watch some tear eliciting movies, eat what I want (yeah, I'm not calorie counting this weekend) and have some quality turn-my-brain-off-and-relax personal time. I'm not answering my door. I'm not going to social network, I'm not even going to text, which says a lot because I'm an avid texter.
I'm having a completely selfish, personal, back-the-eff-off-world weekend.
It's all about me this weekend. I'm doing what it takes to make myself happy, to make myself feel good. Everything - my outfits, my hair, my makeup... I'm doing everything how, when, why, and where I want to for as long as I want to.
Win.
Ive been stretching myself so thin for the past 5 weeks that I'm not sure I remember how to relax anymore. But I need to. I want to rediscover calmness, sanity, serenity, quietness, and reaffirm my personal space.
And I won't lie, I need to spend some time rediscovering me. What I like and don't like, what makes me appealing and sexy. I've been so crazy involved that I've noticed I'm becoming bitter that nothing is happening in my love life and as such nasty old shut-down, shut-out, be mean to boys, be afraid and lack confidence habits have been returning. I hope this weekend will help realign me with the qualities and changes I've made over the past year. The self-assured, confident, intelligent, independent, and fun Mychal needs to catch her breath and come back full force on Monday. I need to just stop running everywhere all the time. I need to stop worring,stop pressuring myself, stop expecting so much from myself, from life, and from others. Thats sh*t the old me did, sh*t the new me does NOT want to reintroduce to my life. I need to relax. I need to breathe. And I'm going too.
And I encourage you to too. If need be. Hell,if you have any suggestions, any ideas, advice, insight, or need a pep talk... let me know! :)
And next week, I promise I will do an inspirational thought on Monday, and a summary of my self-devoted weekend. We'll see how much it helped rejuvenate and center me. See if it got me back on track for continued personal progress, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I love you all immensely. I miss talking to you more regularly, let's work on that yes? Y'all need to keep emailing me. You're all relatively aware of my life, but I feel disconnected. So shoot me some emails and tweets dolls!
Much love!
Mych
Monday, March 19, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Let's catch up, shall we?
To Whom It May Concern:
I know there hasn’t been much as far as communicative information emanating from the blog. I suppose you'd all like to hear how I’m still attempting to "Change My Life Today"... I've been a little lax in my blogging responsibilities, and for that I apologize.
Shall I fill you all in? Yes, I think I shall. However it will be textually, not photographically.
Let me be honest and express a truly embarrassing reality. Yesterday was the second time I've exercised since I moved to Utah.
FAIL.
I fail at life; but not really. Luckily, I've been meticulously counting my calories and have not gained any weight.
My exercise slump, to be frank, came right when I needed it.
I know what you're thinking...
"Mychal! There is no such thing as a "needed exercise slump" when you're trying to get fit!"
Oh, contraire mah'dear. Said "slump" filled me in on several important life changing elements that result from working out.
I like working out. I miss it!
When I worked out yesterday... it felt so damn good!
It felt good enough that I'm going to join a gym so that I can feel that good 5-6 days a week.
Let me express why I'm going to join a gym:
So, I'm joining a gym sometime this weekend. And I'm pretty effing stoked!
Now, let me give y'all a few more life deets (aka details).
Talk to you again soon my dah'lings!
Much love to you!
~Mychal
I know there hasn’t been much as far as communicative information emanating from the blog. I suppose you'd all like to hear how I’m still attempting to "Change My Life Today"... I've been a little lax in my blogging responsibilities, and for that I apologize.
Shall I fill you all in? Yes, I think I shall. However it will be textually, not photographically.
Let me be honest and express a truly embarrassing reality. Yesterday was the second time I've exercised since I moved to Utah.
FAIL.
I fail at life; but not really. Luckily, I've been meticulously counting my calories and have not gained any weight.
My exercise slump, to be frank, came right when I needed it.
I know what you're thinking...
"Mychal! There is no such thing as a "needed exercise slump" when you're trying to get fit!"
Oh, contraire mah'dear. Said "slump" filled me in on several important life changing elements that result from working out.
- Weight loss - I'm losing, but not as much as I'd like... and I'm so close to my goal. I can't justify slowing down so close to the finish line.
- Energy - Oh my golly galactities! I have SO much more energy when I work out. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it's so true. Some how, pushing my body to it's physical limits daily helps it sustain itself until the next time I work out.
- Happiness - I am so much happier when I work out. It's a great stress relief, anger outlet, and confidence boost. How do those things NOT result in happiness?
- Attitude - My attitude about myself, my life, dating, society, church... I'm just oodles more positive when I'm working out.
I like working out. I miss it!
When I worked out yesterday... it felt so damn good!
It felt good enough that I'm going to join a gym so that I can feel that good 5-6 days a week.
Let me express why I'm going to join a gym:
- I'm a penny pinching nut case. I count them like I count calories. (Whoa! This sh*t's getting real. Hahaha!) So if I'm paying to go to a gym, you can be hella sure I'm going to go to the gym.
- I'm not a fan of working out in my apartment (something about the creaky floor and neighbors below listening to me tromp around like an elephant is just NOT appealing or motivating in the slightest).
- I want access to more machinery, more fitness programs, trainers... yada yada yada
- Working out in a gym gives me a better chance of going with a friend! Dear Future Workout Buddy, I LOVE YOU.
So, I'm joining a gym sometime this weekend. And I'm pretty effing stoked!
Now, let me give y'all a few more life deets (aka details).
- My new job is positively fabulous. I love it.
- I love living in Utah. That feels so alien to say. Even more alien to believe...
- I am socializing! Yay for friends!
- I'm involved in Church. I'm reading my scriptures and praying regularly. I'm finally getting my spiritual wellness on track.
- I'm so happy.
- I love my apartment.
- Effy is doing super well! She's getting lots of attention from the pet hungry & attention starved BYU students.
- I love life.
- I love YOU.
Talk to you again soon my dah'lings!
Much love to you!
~Mychal
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Happy New Clothes!
My dah'lings!
Long time no chat, I know. I continue to fail you in respects to the blog... However I'm not failing y'all or myself when it comes to working out. I've gotten myself a gym membership and I've been hitting the gym regularly (5 times a week) at 4:30am. It's taken some serious dedication and has put a near end to my social life during the week, but I more than compensate on the weekends. Er... I try to make up for it on the weekends.
Who wants a summary of my weekly schedule? Probably not you, but you're about to get it anyway. Yeah, I'm that thoutful.
Let's start on Mondays. I try to love Monday's. I started inspirational Mondays on the blog (I've missed a few I know) so Mondays weren't such a buzz kill. So on Monday, I wake up at 4:20 and head to the gym. I work out for an hour and a half or so, I go home, I eat breakfast and take my supplements. I get ready for work. I go to work. I go home for lunch and check on Effy. I go back to work. The I go home at 5pm. I make dinner. I clean (if I'm not obscenely exhausted) and then I go to my church's Monday night activity. Wahoo. Then I come home and go to bed.
Tuesday, I'm awake and to the gym again, before the butt crack of dawn. Then I do it all over again. Only Tuesday nights are dedicated to cleaning, maybe dinner with a friend, and then. To bed.
Wednesday's I do the same thing, only the Wednesday night activity is usually a religious class called Institute.
Thursday I start all over, only Thursday nights activity is a game night at my church. Also another night I have dedicated to cleaning. I'm a bit of a clean freak. Ask anyone who knows me.
Friday I start the cruel cycle one more time. Only, Friday nights are dedicated to my virtually nonexistent dating life. So I usually end up eating dinner with a friend and going to a movie.
Saturday I sleep in until about 8am. Then it's clean the apartment, go to the laundromat, and go grocery shopping. Maybe clothes shopping too if I've budgeted carefully. Oh! Saturday's are also balance my budget and pay bills day. In addition to whatever fun activity I've been made aware of through church and social circles.
Sunday I sleep in again, then wake up, take Effy for a brief walk, bake a treat, get ready for church, go to church, come home, eat dinner, go to one more church activity, and then to bed.
And then I start it all over again on Monday.
I think I may be just a tad overly ambitious with my weekly schedule. I've noticed I'm developing constant tension headaches, I'm always exhausted, and I'm oddly... unfulfilled.
I'm not discontent or anything... But I'm not remotely happy either. My brain is in a constant state of panic and worry. It's got to stop.
I recently had dinner with a girlfriend of mine who has helped validate my feelings and perceptions regarding my current situation. So here is what I've decided...
I need to make some changes, establish some boundaries, and chill the eff out.
I'm starting this weekend.
Who would like to hear my master plan? I know, no. But you're going to hear it anyway.
On Friday, I'm going to go buy myself a nice little nightie, some candles, some bath salts, some good ol'
chick flicks, some luxurious chocolate delicacies, and a few other select nickknacks. I'm going to go home, I'm going to clean my apartment, I'm going to lock the door. I'm going to turn off my cell phone. I'm going to put on some relaxing music and take a long, candle lit bubble bath, read a book, watch some tear eliciting movies, eat what I want (yeah, I'm not calorie counting this weekend) and have some quality turn-my-brain-off-and-relax personal time. I'm not answering my door. I'm not going to social network, I'm not even going to text, which says a lot because I'm an avid texter.
I'm having a completely selfish, personal, back-the-eff-off-world weekend.
It's all about me this weekend. I'm doing what it takes to make myself happy, to make myself feel good. Everything - my outfits, my hair, my makeup... I'm doing everything how, when, why, and where I want to for as long as I want to.
Win.
Ive been stretching myself so thin for the past 5 weeks that I'm not sure I remember how to relax anymore. But I need to. I want to rediscover calmness, sanity, serenity, quietness, and reaffirm my personal space.
And I won't lie, I need to spend some time rediscovering me. What I like and don't like, what makes me appealing and sexy. I've been so crazy involved that I've noticed I'm becoming bitter that nothing is happening in my love life and as such nasty old shut-down, shut-out, be mean to boys, be afraid and lack confidence habits have been returning. I hope this weekend will help realign me with the qualities and changes I've made over the past year. The self-assured, confident, intelligent, independent, and fun Mychal needs to catch her breath and come back full force on Monday. I need to just stop running everywhere all the time. I need to stop worring,stop pressuring myself, stop expecting so much from myself, from life, and from others. Thats sh*t the old me did, sh*t the new me does NOT want to reintroduce to my life. I need to relax. I need to breathe. And I'm going too.
And I encourage you to too. If need be. Hell,if you have any suggestions, any ideas, advice, insight, or need a pep talk... let me know! :)
And next week, I promise I will do an inspirational thought on Monday, and a summary of my self-devoted weekend. We'll see how much it helped rejuvenate and center me. See if it got me back on track for continued personal progress, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I love you all immensely. I miss talking to you more regularly, let's work on that yes? Y'all need to keep emailing me. You're all relatively aware of my life, but I feel disconnected. So shoot me some emails and tweets dolls!
Much love!
Mych
Monday, March 5, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Truckin' along!
My dah'lings! We've made it to the 80 pound mark. I've lost 80.
And to celebrate, I've bought a new swim suit.
Life is so great!
Now I just need to keep truckin' along to 95 lbs. This is happening.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Be Brave
I'm trying a new thing; I'm trying to be brave.
This means that I'm trying to grow confident in regards to my body...
So...
I wore this to church. That's all my leg. No nylons, no tights. And yes, it's a skirt above my knees. Gasp.
And you know what... it wasn't so bad.
I've also taken a picture of me in just a bra & underwear. I don't think I can post it yet, if ever, but I've done it. I've seen my stomach, in a picture. I've captured my body with photography, and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it'd be.
I'm actually making progress I think... mentally, in regards to my self-perception.
Yay!
This means that I'm trying to grow confident in regards to my body...
So...
I wore this to church. That's all my leg. No nylons, no tights. And yes, it's a skirt above my knees. Gasp.
And you know what... it wasn't so bad.
I've also taken a picture of me in just a bra & underwear. I don't think I can post it yet, if ever, but I've done it. I've seen my stomach, in a picture. I've captured my body with photography, and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it'd be.
I'm actually making progress I think... mentally, in regards to my self-perception.
Yay!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Weigh In Day
Weigh in Friday.
I've lost 2 more lbs! I'm beyond happy.
Took a few pictures to further solidify some self-confidence and to provide photographic evidence of my new hair color.
A big thank you to everyone for their kind words or support and encouragement in regards to my fitness & my dating life!
You're all amazing and I love you.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Speechless
Words cannot describe the past 24 hours of my life.
A few weeks ago I was driving to Utah for a job interview. On the drive to and from, I became an avid Cosmo Radio fan. I'm especially partial to the Cocktails with Patrick show.
On one show in particular they had an extensive conversation about a guy named Taylor. At first, I thought his story was a total fluke. Go on air, talk about how you never want to get married. Go home. Boom, girlfriend. But the more I listened to Patrick talk, the more I really saw the validity in his insight. And thus, the seed of curiosity was planted.
On a whim I wrote an email to the Cocktails with Patrick show.
It went a little something like this:
I've written to places, companies, and people before. I've never received replies, I've never been listened to, I've never been... cared about? I expected no less from Patrick's show; yet to my astonishment, the next day I received an email from Lea, the other host of the show. She informed me that they wanted to interview me... on their show. Say whaaa??? I was shocked and giddy with anticipation. Someone actually wants to help me with dating!? Praise Jesus.
So, I was interviewed. It was amazing. I can't describe how incredibly kind Patrick & Lea were. How much I valued their insight, their encouragement, and their advice.
And their listeners... their listeners are phenomenal! Absolutely, totally, and completely incredible.
I'd like to consider myself a rather eloquent person, but the remarkable amount of support that has been pouring in via Twitter, my blog, and my blog's Facebook Page is inspiring, uplifting, and is leaps and bounds beyond what I could ever deserve and is thus leaving me speechless.
Cosmo Radio Blogspot wrote an lovely bit about me that moved me to tears. Countless individuals who have tweeted me encouragement and salutations have also moved me to tears. How is it that strangers can care so much about me?
The more I've been able to ponder the events of the past few hours the more I've come to realize that for some strange reason, the outpouring of encouragement from these complete strangers has touched me in a way I never imagined it could have. While I love, respect, and am most grateful for a supportive network of family & friends, the outside and unbiased view points of the Cocktails with Patrick and Cosmo Radio community has truly helped me take a gigantic leap forward in believing in myself and seeing the beauty I possess in a physical and nonphysical sense.
I'm going to live. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to be confident. There is no need to hide behind a veil of insecurity anymore. That was part of the old Mychal. The Mychal I never want to be again. There isn't any weight to hide behind anymore. Life was meant to be lived. I was meant to be this person. I may be loud, obnoxious, and inappropriate; but I'm happy. And I want every single person to feel as happy as I do. Being dismal, being bleak, being desolate... it's a burden! And it's a weight that we were not meant to bear.
I truly hope that I can be the vibrant, fun, beautiful, and uplifting person that people see me as; more than that, I hope I can help others be the person they want to be.
If you want people to look at you differently... if you want you to look at yourself differently; make them. Make it happen. Stop waiting for life to happen, make life happen.
I've added a few more affirmations & mantras to my daily life perspective goals:
I look forward to utilizing the comments, the advice, the encouragement, and the enlightenment I've received the past few hours. I'm excited to continue to share my progress with you. I might not know you individually, personally, or even in a cyber sense; but I love you. I appreciate you. My life is infinitely better because you exist. True story.
I hope that I can be as much a strength, support, and motivational force for good as you all are to me.
Much love my dah'lings.
More than you can fathom.
~Mychal
A few weeks ago I was driving to Utah for a job interview. On the drive to and from, I became an avid Cosmo Radio fan. I'm especially partial to the Cocktails with Patrick show.
On one show in particular they had an extensive conversation about a guy named Taylor. At first, I thought his story was a total fluke. Go on air, talk about how you never want to get married. Go home. Boom, girlfriend. But the more I listened to Patrick talk, the more I really saw the validity in his insight. And thus, the seed of curiosity was planted.
On a whim I wrote an email to the Cocktails with Patrick show.
It went a little something like this:
Patrick,
I was listening to you a few days ago talk to & about Taylor. The whole situation made me laugh. Then, the more I listened, the more I began to see the validity in your insight. So, I'm going to go out on a limb and see if you have ANY helpful advice for a soon-to-be 23 year old noob to the dating scene. First of all, I'm a noob to the dating scene because last year I was... a fat-ass. I've worked hard and lost 76 lbs since May. Now that I'm quasi attractive, much more confident, and somewhat witty I thought it'd be fun to delve into the world of men; alas I'm really quite terrible at the whole thing. I've nary a clue what I'm doing.
Help?
Any insight, advice, or tips are appreciated.
Cheers,
Mychal
I've written to places, companies, and people before. I've never received replies, I've never been listened to, I've never been... cared about? I expected no less from Patrick's show; yet to my astonishment, the next day I received an email from Lea, the other host of the show. She informed me that they wanted to interview me... on their show. Say whaaa??? I was shocked and giddy with anticipation. Someone actually wants to help me with dating!? Praise Jesus.
So, I was interviewed. It was amazing. I can't describe how incredibly kind Patrick & Lea were. How much I valued their insight, their encouragement, and their advice.
And their listeners... their listeners are phenomenal! Absolutely, totally, and completely incredible.
I'd like to consider myself a rather eloquent person, but the remarkable amount of support that has been pouring in via Twitter, my blog, and my blog's Facebook Page is inspiring, uplifting, and is leaps and bounds beyond what I could ever deserve and is thus leaving me speechless.
Cosmo Radio Blogspot wrote an lovely bit about me that moved me to tears. Countless individuals who have tweeted me encouragement and salutations have also moved me to tears. How is it that strangers can care so much about me?
The more I've been able to ponder the events of the past few hours the more I've come to realize that for some strange reason, the outpouring of encouragement from these complete strangers has touched me in a way I never imagined it could have. While I love, respect, and am most grateful for a supportive network of family & friends, the outside and unbiased view points of the Cocktails with Patrick and Cosmo Radio community has truly helped me take a gigantic leap forward in believing in myself and seeing the beauty I possess in a physical and nonphysical sense.
I'm going to live. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to be confident. There is no need to hide behind a veil of insecurity anymore. That was part of the old Mychal. The Mychal I never want to be again. There isn't any weight to hide behind anymore. Life was meant to be lived. I was meant to be this person. I may be loud, obnoxious, and inappropriate; but I'm happy. And I want every single person to feel as happy as I do. Being dismal, being bleak, being desolate... it's a burden! And it's a weight that we were not meant to bear.
I truly hope that I can be the vibrant, fun, beautiful, and uplifting person that people see me as; more than that, I hope I can help others be the person they want to be.
If you want people to look at you differently... if you want you to look at yourself differently; make them. Make it happen. Stop waiting for life to happen, make life happen.
I've added a few more affirmations & mantras to my daily life perspective goals:
(Dear Patrick, Lea, & everyone who has sent kind thoughts in my direction... You've made a difference in my life. Thank you.)
I hope that I'm evolving into the type of person that can make others happy, or at least smile; no matter how awful their day has been; no matter how tough their life is; no matter how much their heart hurts.
We choose how we react to situations. We choose how we live our lives. We choose to be happy. We choose to love life. We choose to make it amazing.
I look forward to utilizing the comments, the advice, the encouragement, and the enlightenment I've received the past few hours. I'm excited to continue to share my progress with you. I might not know you individually, personally, or even in a cyber sense; but I love you. I appreciate you. My life is infinitely better because you exist. True story.
I hope that I can be as much a strength, support, and motivational force for good as you all are to me.
Much love my dah'lings.
More than you can fathom.
~Mychal
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Photo Update... of sorts
I'm a size 14 now.
That's a total of 10 dress sizes lost so far!
19 lbs to go.
I weigh in on Friday.
Hurray!
Oh, my weird face stems from my awkwardness... I've never shown this much leg as an adult woman before. Ever. In my life.
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