Balance

Hello my loves,

 It's been a very, very long time since my last post. My life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks. It seems as though every waking moment I have is consumed by something other than catching my breath. I'm at work, with friends, at the gym, family is visiting, or I'm cleaning my apartment. I feel like I'm barely able to tread water enough to keep myself from drowning, but somehow or another I'm managing.

 I needed to write something on here. I have neglected you, my loyal and loving supporters, for far too long. Upon request, I'm going to blog about something unrelated to working out or calorie counting. Instead, I've decided to write about one of my many personality flaws. Yes, I have many. The most detrimental (that has been especially pronounced as of late) is the fact that I am too independent. In the past I've allowed people to use and abuse my generous nature. I felt obligated to listen, to assist, console, and uplift others in order to earn, create, and maintain friendships. However, when I reached out, when I needed to be taken care of, when I needed someone to listen to me I was left high and dry; it would seem that the result of these recurring social disappointments are manifested in my strong willed, stubborn, and vehement independence.

I can't, or will not, allow myself to be vulnerable. Forgive me as I'm about to jump atop a soap box and rant for this post... I don't like relying on others. I have a deeply ingrained sense of mistrust for all people. Everyone I have ever opened up to, anyone I've ever trusted, and anyone I've ever reached out to, has let me down in some respect. I recognize that it's not a healthy perspective, but after being burned by nearly every person I've been close to, it's increasingly difficult to open up.

I like to portray myself as a tough chick. I like to think I can do everything on my own; I'm a strong, competent, confident, healthy, and intelligent woman. News flash. I'm not tough at all. Fail. Of the most epic kind. I've been mulling over a few recent social situations in my life, a few personal opinions, some personal perceptions, some social ideologies, and some religious expectations, and I've had a few conversations with people regarding several of these topics. As such, I've come to a few conclusions about myself, about others, and about life.

1. Being a woman is a delicate and precarious balancing act. Men expect a lot from us. We're expected to be independent, but dependent enough that the man can offer or contribute something to the partnership. We need to be dependable and nurturing, but still give them space and not smother them. We need to be attractive and intelligent, but don't attract other guys attention and don't make them feel stupid. If I may say so... man the f*ck up gentlemen. You don't get to be a dead beat, gaming, unemployed, lackadaisical, unmotivated prick and expect the ideally beautiful, toned, smart, funny and all around perfect woman to fall in your lap. You get what you deserve. And you deserve what you earn. If you want a woman like that, get off your ass, get educated, get successful, and earn the right to pursue a woman like that. 
2. Fulfilling the requisites above will result, more often than not, in being friend zoned. I apologize, but I find this socially fabricated arena to be completely absurd. It is merely a ploy for men to: not have to grow the balls to tell your they're not interested and risk losing their best girlfriend OR its a way for them to keep an emotionally vulnerable woman at arms length and perpetually use them to inflate their pathetic ego. I refuse to be friend zoned anymore. As women, or as men, we don't have to be ok with it. We don't have to accept it. We no longer have to allow or enable others to use us as their "just a friend" security blanket. We don't need to be there to buffer a bad break up, to help them win over another guy/girl, or to tell them that they are wonderful, handsome/beautiful, and a great catch. DO NOT mother them, feed them, clean up after them, console them. If they aren't attracted, if they can't see what you have to offer, MOVE ON. Why do we waste time and energy one individuals who doesn't appreciate all we have to offer? You can be a friend, but serious boundaries need to be established when there are no romantic feelings in a mixed sex friendship. You only hurt yourself and deny yourself other wonderful intimate relationships when you willingly remain in the friend zone.

3. I'm a catch. I am a 23 year old BYU graduate with a full time job who is financially independent. I workout; I wear makeup; I'm stylish; I take care of my physical body. By no means am I a model, nor am I beautiful, but I am cute and what I lack physically I make up for with my intellect, my humor, and my variety of mediocre talents. Believe it or not, I'm a catch. And a damn fine one. I deserve a man who wants me for everything I am. I deserve a man with ambition, maturity, intelligence, and fortitude. Someone who is successful. Someone I can be proud of and happy to support. Someone I don't have to convince to want me. Someone who is my best friend. I deserve to be wooed. And the dipshit men who knowingly, or unknowingly pass me up I feel sorry for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry your an immature, shallow, pathetic, stupid son of a b*tch. Any guy who passes up, or is unwilling to work for any remarkable woman that fill this wonderful world... I feel sorry for.

I was recently told I needed to tone down my independence. If I wanted a guy I needed to show some vulnerability, I needed to not showcase my independence as much. I need to be meek to win a man? Hell no.

Let me make something perfectly clear, I will not change who I am for a man. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing undesirable about me. If anything, my independence should be attractive. I do not deny that I need to be more open. I need to be willing to rely on others, to talk to others, and to depend on others.

 The balancing act of femininity is something I'm struggling to find equilibrium with. But it is necessary and I'm happy to do it and to progress as an individual. That's what life is all about... progression. I've been asking God for more opportunities to learn, grow, and progress on an emotional and spiritual level, not just physically anymore... It looks live I've found a few ways.

 Any suggestions on how to better open up? On how to be more trusting? On being brave and patient? On maintaining my personal identity while still being open and inviting for a variety of new relationships? Comments, criticism, and conversation welcome.

 Love ya dah'lings! ~Mych