Remember, Remember

Oh my gasch, guys!
I'm such a super duper goob; it makes me sad.  
Remember these?
MY GOALS
1. Be outgoing.
2. Exercise & Lose weight. LOTS of it.
3. Laugh more.
4. Make others laugh more.
5. Serve others.
6. Get to know God again.
7. Be happy.
So, I fail at life.
Why?  Because I got so distracted!  I found success in goals 1 through 4, but then I completely, totally, and absolutely forgot... er... ignored goals 5, 6, and 7. 
Fail.
I suppose I ought to be honest and admit that I've tried to completely erase the religious aspect of my life.  
*GASP*
Yeah, I know.
I'm being completely serious.  I've been "inactive" for around 2 years; but I've doubted my faith and my testimony for much longer.  In case you don't know, I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, born and raised.  I attended and graduated from Brigham Young University, Provo Utah.  I hated every waking moment that I was there.  I was miserable.  I've always felt like the young adults in my religious community, particularly those who reside in the Provo "bubble", are judgmental, cruel, vindictive, and phony.  If you don't meet certain "cultural requirements" or "standards of righteousness" along with "standards of physical attractiveness" you're essentially shunned.  This is commonly referred to as being a "Molly Mormon" or a "Peter Priesthood" and it is quite exhausting. 


I'm not going to lie about how much I've struggled to reconcile the cultural blasphemy & hypocrisy that permeates my religious sect.  I struggled enough that I let it push me away.  I will also admit that I've never questioned the existence of my Creator, my Savior, or the Gospel of Jesus Christ; I just hate church.  I hate the socialized nature of church.  So I stopped.  I stopped going.  I stopped believing in God and His "plan" and I decided to believe in me.  I want to be happy?  I needed to make the changes and choices necessary to be happy.  I didn't need a silly church or God to be the me I want to be.
Well, I managed to plateau the other day.  I plateaued in a big way.  
I've been applying for jobs, I've changed my physical body (I'm healthy now), my emotional health has improved by leaps and bounds, and I thought I was pretty happy. 
Problem.  I'm a liar.  
In the back of my head I kept telling myself, "Look at everything I've done; look at everything I'm doing!  God will fill in the blanks, He'll make stuff work, He'll make things start to happen."
That sounds a bit blasphemous and hypocritical doesn't it?
Fail.  Again.
Well, I haven't been able to shake this nagging feeling of discontent.  By some strange turn of events I was forced to make a few difficult "life changing choices" on my trip to Utah this past week.    
Do I want to take the easy path?  Or do I want to challenge myself?  Do I want to take the more difficult path.  The right path.  
In watching and learning from the people I associate with, the people I am close to, the people I love, and in learning from my own experiences, those two paths are usually not one and the same.  
I knew what path I needed to choose.  The path I should choose.  The path I wanted, but didn't want to choose.  The path I chose anyway.  The right path.  
The path back to God.  I can't ignore Him and then hope that He's got my back when things go down the crapper.  
I really haven't been doing all I can do.  I haven't been praying.  I haven't been reading the scriptures.  I haven't been serving others.  I haven't been attending my church meetings.  In many respects, I'm the exact person I don't want to be.  Ouch.  That pretty much sucks.
Can I just say that it really, genuinely, absolutely, seriously, and totally kind of sucks right now.
My friend Robbie made a valid point though; if I have what it takes to whip my physical body in shape, I sure oughta be able to whip my spiritual self into shape.
And I'm starting.  Today.
Goals 5 though 7, consider yourself my #1 priority.  
The alarms on my phone now read:


 7:oo a.m. - Study Scriptures & Pray
 7:30 a.m. - Take vitamins
 7:45 a.m. - Breakfast!
 8:00 a.m. - WORK OUT (those abs aren't going to make themselves)
 9:00 a.m. - Eye drops
10:00 a.m. - Have a great day.


I love goals.  I hate them too.


No more plateau.  Progress here we go.
Love ya dolls!
~Mych